


Coiled

by Nina36



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-31
Updated: 2012-12-31
Packaged: 2017-11-23 02:52:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/617288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nina36/pseuds/Nina36
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once upon a time, on a sunny afternoon, he had fallen in love with his brother</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coiled

Coiled  
He had forgotten what it was like. Keeping what he used to do, what the family business was about from anyone, including Jess, hadn't been hard. John Winchester had drilled into their brains to lay low, to keep civilians in the dark about what they did, for everyone's sake.   
It was second nature for Sam to come up with lies or omissions about his family, about his childood.   
That wasn't hard. It had never been.   
There were other secrets, though...other lies, he had forgotten about...or had become very good at pretending he had.   
Once upon a time, like in a twisted and fucked up fairy tale, he had been a gangly teenager, with too long hair, knives in his duffel, anger in his veins and weird scars on his body.   
Once upon a time, on a sunny afternoon, he had fallen in love with his brother. It had been a culmination of events, of moments and subconcious signals. Love had hit him hard, coiling around his heart, making the rage inside himself a throbbing, almost living thing.  
Dean...Dean had been his everything back then. Other teens had their first crushes that felt like the end of the world, Sam Winchester had a deep abiding, soul consuming love for his own brother. It had been something that he'd had to keep to himself, well hidden from everyone. It had been having Dean so close to him, because their lives were claustrophobic, intertwined, lacking boundaries and space...and yet, sometimes, it hadn't been enough.   
It had been craving him, wishing for something forbidden...dreaming of things that could never be.   
Sam had loved Dean with an intensity that it had been scary sometimes; he had experienced everything in the spectre of emotions, they had burned, stung, made his heart drum in his chest, his blood boil, his skin feel too hot and cold at the same time. The worst of it had been knowing that there was no way Dean hadn't understood, because his big brother had known everything about him, and had ignored it...  
The worst of it had been the moments, just seconds sometimes, when he had felt that things could have been different...it had been just lingering touches, cocked eyebrows, half smiles but Sam had known...and he had hated Dean in those moments, hated their lives, hated everything and everyone.   
There had been times where he had wanted to shake his dad by his shoulders and scream, "Here! That's what your crusade has made us!"  
He had wanted to sock Dean, kiss him, take him away from the clusterfuck of life they lead and start over. He hadn't done neither of those things...he had fought with his dad, every reason and argument an excuse, he had watched Dean fucking his way through the country, sometimes rubbing his face in it...to get the message across.   
Because Dean, idiot, righteous Dean...wouldn't have known subtle if it hit him in the head.  
He had ran away in the end, trading screams with his dad, silences with Dean...his eyes stinging on the way to the bus station, but feeling able to breath for the first time in years.   
Dean had been still there, though...especially at the beginning. Dean had been behind every corner, at every pool table, in every dream. Dean had been every man Sam had made out with, first and last thought of everyday.  
Dean had been a secret, one he had been able to keep, a scar just beneath the surface, a photograph in his wallet, an old t-shirt, a knife and mute phone calls in the middle of the night.   
Loving Jessica was so easy. She had breezed into his life, without asking questions, showing him light and smiles, and a world where things were simple, safe. Loving her didn't burn him to the core, didn't bring him to his knees, didn't make him hate her.   
And if Dean was still the first name on his lips when he opened his eyes, if he still haunted his dreams, like a ghost, one he couldn't get rid with iron, salt and fire, that was just his problem, no one else's.   
Dean coming back into his life, with a cocky grin to hide his fear, his bigger than life presence, his eyes studying him, assessing the changes in him, his lips, skin, as perfect as he recalled had been like a kick in the gut for Sam.   
He had forgotten what it was like to feel breathless, to feel angry…alive, desperate and happy all at the same time. He had forgotten one simple truth: that Dean was alive, vibrant with something that had his heart in a vice, his blood humming, his cock throbbing painfully.   
Dean, even if he pretended not to know, even if he would never even acknowledge it, was his. It took him exactly one hour to fall in love with his brother all over again, old and new feelings mixing, a kaleidoscope of heartbreak and exhilaration that made him silent, made him look, drink Dean in, memorize everything, making him remember that one could want something so much, so deeply that it hurt to breathe, that everything else faded, forgotten and ignored.  
It took him one hour to realize that he could run, he could put a world between Dean and himself, and it would never be enough.  
It was an addiction, it was like oxygen. He had lived without Dean, and once they found their dad, he would go to that interview, propose to Jessica, let her save him again, but Dean, his brother, his everything, would always be there, his secret, his sin, his everything.


End file.
